Drowning
by gleeme33
Summary: Rachel is drowning. NOW A SHORT STORY!
1. Winning

**My first ever angst fic…don't worry: just a one-shot. I honestly have no idea where this came from…at all. I normally don't write stuff like this, but…I don't know. Real life was hard on me once, I think it's hard on all of us at least once. So…here you go. **

_Drowning_.

It's not as bad as you think…I think. Drowning. It doesn't _feel _as bad as you think it does. You think it would be a painful death, as you run out of air and you can't breathe…but you don't really notice that you're drowning until you're really, you know, _drowning_.

First, the fall. The initial pain.

You fall.

Hard. Down. Fast.

And at first, you don't notice that you're falling. You left that horrible feeling in your stomach and that prickling down your spine somewhere else. Because for one second, just one second, I was _flying_.

Not falling. Never falling.

Stars don't fall.

Of course, it's not like I _jumped_. I _fell_. I did not _jump_.

Not jumping. Never jumping.

Then, the impact. The second pain.

You hit the water.

Head-on. Direct. Face-to-face.

And the thing about hitting the water is that the water doesn't want you to drown either, at first. At first, the water tries to pull you out with all that buoyant force it's got. But then, something holds you down…under. You're frozen, you're trapped, and the water knows it, too. It's holding you down harder then it's pulling you out. It's a trickster. It deceived you. It never wanted to pull you out. It just tried to gain your trust, and guess what? It succeeded.

And then, you start to panic.

I know what you're thinking '_You? Panic? Never! Stars don't panic!_'

I know.

Stars don't panic.

But I did.

The panicking part is probably the worst. Suddenly, that feeling in the pit of your stomach-the horrible one that you left somewhere else-is back. You start to, well, _panic_. You frail your arms and you try to swim. And that works in most cases.

But not this one.

Because the water's cold.

Really cold.

Oh yeah, you heard me. The water's cold. Like, _really _cold. Like in the negatives cold. And you kick and you fight, and you really do try.

You try to fight.

You really do.

You try to swim. You know how to swim, so this should be an easy situation to get out of. But remember, the water's cold…in the negatives cold. And now, you're fighting; you're _really_,_ really_,_ really _fighting…

But then, something else happens.

Something hits you.

Hard.

And…it doesn't just _hit _you.

It _stabs_ you.

You look down the best you can at your numb body, and see that something stabbed right through that right arm of yours. What is it? I couldn't tell all that well, but I think it was a piece of debris. And you examine it as best you can, but you'd best remember, you're still trying to fight here, and then you see something that changes the whole situation.

Blood.

You're bleeding now.

That just adds to the panic.

You pull the pointy piece of debris out of your right arm, and you're still bleeding, and you wonder how this is possible because you are far under water by now.

And then, you start to think.

You're dying; you know that, so your brain, naturally, is whirling.

You think of all the people in your life that you'll miss, and you pause when a couple of names come up.

First, Shelby.

She was my mother.

My _mother_.

And I let her slip through my fingers, like sand.

I couldn't hold onto her.

But…I wanted to.

So, so much.

Then, Quinn.

Why was I so nasty to you?

Why were you so nasty to me?

Why were we so nasty to each other?

I still can't think of a reason.

And finally, Finn.

_Finn_.

He loved me, you know.

And I loved him too.

I would never have ever let him slip through my fingers, like sand…

…and like Shelby.

So many people, I'll never say goodbye to…

But the fact that I can't say goodbye to _Finn_…

That hurts more then drowning.

Oh yeah, I'm still drowning.

And I'm still bleeding.

See? I totally forgot for a second there.

So, there! It's not as bad as you think…I think.

Then…I feel something in me, just…stop.

I can almost _feel _my brain shutting down, and my heart stopping.

And I know that I have lost.

And drowning has won.

Then…then something remarkable happens. Something that you thought wasn't going to happen. Ever.

Something pulls you out.

Correction: Some_one_ pulls you out.

Now you realize that you are freezing cold, because this person's skin feels so, so, so warm against yours.

You'll always remember that feeling.

Then, you hear a voice come from this person, and you realize that he is telling you that you're going to be okay, even though this whole time you thought you were a goner for sure.

Then, there's light all around you.

The light is really a bunch of people, and screaming, and sirens.

And that person, the one who pulled you out, is still holding your hand the whole time. He whispers to you that he loves you, and that it'll be okay.

And then, you know who saved you.

You're sure it's him; because of the way he said 'I love you'.

And now you are sure that you have won.

And drowning has lost.


	2. Falling

**Yes, I know, this was supposed to be a one-shot. But now I feel the sudden need to make it a two-shot! :)**

"_Fine, Rachel! Fine! Don't stop, don't think! Do it! See if we care! Jump! Go ahead, do what you want! Go ahead and jump! But just think about one thing: What if Finn found you instead of us? What would he say, Rachel? What would he say?"_

Emma Pillsbury sat in her rather comfortable pink swivel-chair in her tidy, homey office. She was humming to herself: humming a tune that she did not know the name of. Because today was a good, sunny day. Emma looked up from her framed picture of Will Shuster when she heard our footsteps. She looked…shocked. Everyone who looked at my face after the incident looked shocked.

Not saying a word, Finn led me into her office. He sat me down on her quaint little couch and sat next to me, still holding my hand. He nodded at Miss Pillsbury, as if they had some kind of secret alliance or something. Finn knew very well that I wouldn't talk, though. I hadn't even talked to him. And, I didn't want to, just because I didn't want to worry him. But there was no way on God's green Earth that I was talking to Miss P right now.

"Rachel," Miss Pillsbury cooed warmly. "You were in a traumatic accident; you _have _to talk to us."

"I _didn't_ jump." I said in a low monotone, and Finn again nearly gasped at the lack of emotion in my voice. "I fell. I didn't jump."

"Rachel, I-" Miss P stopped, and bit her lip. Had Quinn, Kurt, and Sam been here first? There was a still, piercing silence for a second.

"If Rachel says that she didn't jump, then she didn't jump." Finn said. "And that's that. End of story."

"A-alright…" Miss Pillsbury breathed out, still unconvinced and unsure. "Why don't you just tell me what happened, okay Rachel?" I didn't respond. I looked at Finn and he nodded at me, as if saying: _tell her!_

"I fell." I said. "That's all that happened."

But that night was a low, dark one. The sky was a purple-y-black. It was windy and rainy too. I had been thinking about it for a while, and then, the night that the incident happened, Quinn and Kurt and Sam found me right before.

"Rachel, _please_!" Kurt shook me, tears in his blue eyes. "Don't do this! Think about what you're doing!"

Then, Sam.

He grabbed my arm and tried to pull me away. He picked me up and tried to hug it out of me. He was crying too, and begging me just as Kurt was.

And lastly, Quinn.

Quinn looked at me, almost…hurt.

"Don't you _dare _even _think _about jumping, Rachel Berry!" She snarled. But I turned away. I made no sound, I remained unmoved. But that was before.

I was unfeeling.

Then, the slap.

Quinn slapped me right across my face, and it looked like it would have really hurt, too. But…I didn't feel it.

I was unfeeling.

Now she was shaking her head, and fighting the tears in her eyes with a burning, betrayed feeling that engulfed her entire body. Finally, she spoke once again:

"Fine, Rachel! Fine! Don't stop, don't think! Do it! See if we care! Jump! Go ahead, do what you want! Go ahead and jump! But just think about one thing: What if Finn found you instead of us? What would he say, Rachel? What would he say?"

The three of them were gone now, thinking that I wouldn't do it. And…I wasn't going to anymore. I had thought about it, like I said before. All the horrible things in my life…Jesse, Shelby, and more…was Finn enough to balance all those things out? And then it hit me. Yes, yes he was.

Because he loved me.

And I wasn't going to jump.

I was walking away.

And then I fell.

I really didn't jump.

I fell.

**Hmm…now I feel the need to make this a three-shot…should I?**


	3. Poem

**So, due to this story's amazing popularity (and I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart) I plan to make it a short story; maybe around seven or even ten chapters. If I decide to make it longer, I'll tell you, and I'll also change the summary! :)**

Finn Hudson, I have learned, is a very rude person.

He stole my paper.

_My _paper.

Not his, but mine. _Mine_, and no one else's.

But…he stole it. And he read it. More then once.

So he is rude.

But strangely, I don't really _mind _that he stole my paper…my poem.

My poem. My heart-and-soul baring poem. _Mine_, not his, but _mine_.

Why would he _do_ that? He knew it was mine, and it didn't belong to him.

I only have one explanation: He is rude. Very rude.

And guess what else he did? He gave Sam my paper to read. And Kurt. And Quinn.

And it made me…angry.

_Angry_…that's a feeling, right?

If I _feel_ angry…then I can't be _un_feeling, right? Right? Right?

Right now, I feel like the world is going on around me, carrying on normally day-to-day…

But I just…can't.

Maybe that's partly why I almost jumped. And then decided not too. And then slipped and fell.

He gave me back my paper, and said I should share it with you.

Do you want to hear it?

You won't tell anyone, will you? You _have _been here the whole time.

Okay, here goes everything:

_In my lifetime_

_I have learned_

_That everything we do; every incident we experience…_

_Each and every one…_

_Is a piece._

_A piece, to the puzzle that is our life._

_Some pieces are pointy._

_Some are smooth._

_Each is different._

_Some are pieces we learn from,_

_Some are pieces we enjoy._

_Memories. Reminiscences._

_But some pieces_

_Are hard._

_They can be unbearably hard._

_And those pieces_

_Cut us._

_Deep._

_And they hurt too. _

_They do not_

_And will never_

_Fit into our puzzle that is our life._

_You can try your hardest_

_To forget them._

_You can banish them to the farthest place in your mind._

_But remember, those pieces…_

_They are hard. _

_Unbearably hard._

_And they cut us, deep._

_So those pieces, they are strong too._

_So they are hard to forget._

_Sometimes, those pieces…_

_They are not your fault._

_They are no one's fault._

_And will never be yours._

_Make those pieces_

_Learning pieces_

_If you can._

_Because even though those pieces_

_Are not_

_And will never be_

_Your fault_

_They are hard_

_To erase._

_So, keep them._

_Keep them close._

_And look at them often._

_Because those pieces_

_They are learning pieces_

_In disguise. _


	4. Listening

"I just…don't understand. She was always so…happy, ya' know?" Quinn's question echoed around the neat little office. Sam nodded.

"I know I haven't known her for as long as you guys have, but that did seem really…out of character for her."

"I'd like to know why." Kurt said firmly. "It's not like she's a suicidal goth-"

"-_Okay_, Kurt." Quinn interrupted. "We get it."

The rest of the club joined them in Miss P's office now, all sitting in a circle around Miss Pillsbury's desk.

"Does anyone else have something they'd like to say?" She asked generally.

"You guys know she didn't jump, right?" Finn insisted.

"Dude," Sam looked up at him. "You weren't there."

"But she said she didn't jump." Finn said. "Maybe she fell."

"She jumped." Quinn whispered. "I-I think this is my fault." She started to softly and silently cry now, little crystal-like teardrops dripping from her hazel eyes, quietly rolling down her cheeks. "I was just trying to talk her out of it-"

"It's not your fault, Quinn!" Emma Pillsbury spoke up. "See? This is why we're all meeting here. You need to understand that this is _not _your fault. It's none of your faults, okay?"

"But…" Tina stammered, looked down, and then shook her head. "Never mind."

"What is it, Tina?"

"It's just…_why_?" She asked. "This is all just suddenly happening…it's not like she's been acting like…you know…"

"Well," Puck whispered. "She sent Sunshine to a crack house."

"Not an active one!" Finn countered. "You guys, she _fell_. It's not like she tried to-"

"But Finn, we don't know that." Artie whispered.

"Then why aren't we giving her the benefit of the doubt?" Finn's question boomed, and no one spoke. Finally, Emma said:

"Because we can't. Because_ if_ she did jump, then we need to help her. You want that for her, right Finn?"

"Y-yeah."

"Finn, why don't you tell us what you think happened?" Miss Pillsbury asked.

"Well," Finn started. "Quinn and Kurt and Sam found me and told me what happened, and then the four of us ran back down to the water. Then Quinn, Sam and Kurt called 9-1-1, and…"

"And?"

"I don't know." Finn shrugged. "I don't know what came over me. I just knew that I _had_ to jump in after her. I _had _to save her. And that was that. So, I saved her, I guess. She looked…gone. She was freezing, and bleeding, and her skin was almost…blue."

Everyone looked at Finn after that. They all then seemed to look around the room, trying not to look anyone in the eye. Eventually, Quinn's eyes drifted towards the little window that was in side of the door. She looked at me with sad eyes. Eyes that where speaking to me. They said: _why? Why would you do this?_ But they weren't angry…they were…full of pity and sympathy.

Then everyone's eyes drifted to the door.

They all knew I was listening.


	5. Music

Today, I did something a little bit…crazy.

I rediscovered music.

_Music_.

Have you ever failed me before? No, no you haven't.

So I just have one question: Where on Earth did you go?

Where were you when I needed you the most?

Where were you, Music? Where'd you go? And…_why_?

Or maybe…you were never gone, were you, Music?

You were always there; _I_ just went somewhere, not you, Music.

Never you, Music.

Because you're always there, Music. Always.

I'm sorry I neglected you before, Music. You didn't deserve that. You been so, so good to me over the years.

This is how it happened: I touched the piano. And, I know, you're gasping right now, right? But it felt…good. I touched C, then D, then E, then F, then F sharp, then G…and…I don't know. There was this…this feeling building in me that I can only describe as…_happiness_. Which is weird, because I haven't felt happiness in a while, either.

Then, I did something else a little…crazy.

I sat down and played a scale.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G.

I played that scale.

Then guess what else I did? I played some more.

D, D, C sharp, E, F sharp, F sharp, G, D.

A short little song. That poor little song…

It's so…understated. It'll never get to sing the rest of it's song…everything that was left unsung.

And then…wait, I probably shouldn't tell you this…

You'll think I'm insane! But…I have to tell you...I just _have _to...

Don't laugh, okay?

I started to hum, and then I started to _sing_.

Yeah, I know.

It was bad.

It's not like anyone was there, but still. I closed my eyes, and for that one second, I was _me_. The _happy_ me.

Then I remembered something else.

Singing makes me happy.

And…so does Music.

Oh, I've missed you, Music.

I really have.

I'm so, so sorry I neglected you.

But…I can't stay with you right now, Music.

I have some…issues to work out first.

It's me, not you.

I hope we can still be friends.

You've always been so good to me, Music.

And I thank you for that.

Then as I got up to leave,

I saw that the door was cracked open.

Finn was standing in the doorway.

And he was…smiling.

He is _very _rude.


	6. Hope

"_Hope is the thing with feathers _

_That perches in the soul, _

_And sings the tune without the words, _

_And never stops at all, _

_And sweetest in the gale is heard; _

_And sore must be the storm _

_That could abash the little bird _

_That kept so many warm. _

_I've heard it in the chillest land, _

_And on the strangest sea; _

_Yet, never, in extremity, _

_It asked a crumb of me._" –Emily Dickinson, "Hope is the Thing with Feathers"

Oh how wrong you are, Emily Dickinson. With all due respect, you're wrong. Hope is _not _a thing with feathers. It does not perch in the soul, and certainly does not sing a tune…of any kind.

Hope…hope is not a bird or type of thing with feathers.

Those creatures are real _things_…

That you can see,

And touch,

And grasp.

Hope is not visible. I cannot hold Hope in my hand; I cannot grasp Hope as something general.

Because Hope is a tricky one, you see.

Hope is oblique…

Hope is infinite, you can't see it, but you have to just know in your heart that it is always there.

Hope is like air, surrounding you, keeping you alive as you breathe it in.

And only someone…with absolute horrendousness that defies my imagination could possibly kill the hope of another human being.

As Harper Lee once said, "…_It's a sin to kill a mockingbird. __Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy...they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird._" (-Harper Lee, _To Kill a Mockingbird_)

So, maybe good old Emily Dickinson had a point…and so did good old Harper Lee…

It would be a sin to kill someone's Hope, to kill something that only makes them feel like there's a light at the end of this crazy maze we call our lives.

And it would be a sin to kill a mockingbird…to kill a thing with feathers…

Hope, are you dead?

Did someone kill you?

No, _no_ Hope! You _can't_ be dead! Hope is _never_ dead!

Hope is only ever…_lost_.

And it's only up to us…to find it again.

So Hope, can you give me a hint as to where you are hiding?

Because this game of hide-and-seek isn't fun anymore, Hope!

Come out from hiding, Hope!

Or maybe, perhaps, it is not you, who is hiding, Hope…

It's…_me_…

I've lost you, and you've lost me.

But…I've missed you, Hope.

I think I want to find you again.

Do you want to find me? It's okay if you don't. I've neglected you, Hope.

And…I'm sorry.

I'm so, so sorry.

Hey Hope, have you met my friend Music?

You two go together so well.

You have so many things in common!

Hope, you are so hard to grasp. As are you, Music.

You are both undivided.

And I've missed you both so much.


	7. Unsound

There are no words for this feeling I am feeling right now, but I'm going to have to try…

I found something about an hour ago.

And it wasn't Music or Hope or anything of the sort.

When I went to go online about an hour ago, there was a page minimized already.

And the minimized page was a website…for the Lima Institution for the Mentally Unsound.

Okay, I know I'm a lot of things, but…

_Unsound_?

I'm not unsound! Am I? I don't think so…I hope not…

D-do you think I'm unsound?

I-I don't _think_ I am…but then again, I did almost jump…

_Almost_. I did _not _jump. I _almost_ did.

Yes, there _is _a difference.

So, there! I'm _not _unsound! I'm _almost _unsound!

But…that was before! I…I don't think that way anymore…at least, I try not too...and I wasn't thinking right!

So as you can see, I wasn't in the best situation,

So I did what I had to do.

"Finn!" I knocked on his door yet again. "_Finn_! I swear to God Finn, if you don't open up this door right now, I'm gonna-"

"Rach?" A sleepy Finn finally opened his front door. "What are you doing? You're gonna wake up my mom! And not that I don't love the fact that you're ready to break my door down in the dead of night, but-"

Then he stopped and just…looked at me.

"C'mon," He whispered.

And just like that, I collapsed into his arms.

And now you could find us sitting on Finn's couch while some black-and-white movie that they only play at these hours of the night droned on the little television screen in front of us.

"Tell me what happened." He said, putting a hand on my shoulder. But I didn't dare look at his face. I was focusing on the movie and not on him.

"Finn," I whispered, ignoring his demand. "Do you think I'm unsound?"

"What do you mean unsound?"

"Like…_mentally_ unsound."

"Of course not," He answered quickly. "But I do think that maybe you aren't thinking as clearly as you should be. But it's okay, because I'm going to help you. All you have to do is talk to me. I'll listen. I'll always listen. I promise."

And I _wanted _to talk to him.

I really, really did,

But…should I really do that to him?

Should I make him think of me that way?

Should I put him through those thoughts that went through my mind?

"Okay." I finally answered, finally looking up at him. "I'll talk to you."


	8. Feeling

"What were you thinking?" But there was no anger in his question.

There was no anger like Quinn, no sorrow like Kurt, no fear like Sam.

"I don't know."

"What were you feeling?" He looked at me, and could tell that his gaze was focused right on me now, but I didn't dare look at him. This gaze-_his_ gaze-was burning a hole right through me as he continued to stare me down. But then…he wasn't staring me down…he was just…staring…

Staring, as if there was nothing else he could possibly do at the time, even if he tried.

He looked worried.

He looked concerned.

But then…he didn't. He looked…

Curious. Like he actually _wanted _to know, and he wasn't listening just because he knew I had to talk to _somebody_.

He _wanted _to be that somebody.

"What were you feeling, Rachel?" He repeated his question. Again, I didn't turn around, of course. I didn't dare turn around, or I would face the wrath of his gaze on its full intensity.

But…wait…

What _was _I feeling?

"I…" I responded…or at least tried to. I think I like that fact that I can actually try now. But…my mouth was suddenly dry.

"You were probably upset…" He suggested. "Do you think that might be where it started? Did something happen that I don't know about?"

I still don't reply.

And I still don't turn around to look at him.

"Rachel," He sighed. "What happened when we were at the hospital with Quinn? Why'd you stay behind? _What happened_?"

But I still don't reply.

And I still don't turn around to look at him.

But…

In my mind, I could think of one million-bazillion things that happened in that rather small window of time.

Jesse might as well have slapped me across the face,

Like Quinn did,

But I would not have felt it.

Just like I didn't feel Quinn's slap.

The only thing I've felt in a long time…

Is Finn's gaze.

I should have just told Shelby to come out with it already and tell me that she didn't want me.

She said she wanted a house and a dog and a family…

But…is she blind?

Could she not see that her family…

Was standing right in front of her?

I should have yelled at her. I should have told her off.

But…I couldn't.

I just stood there and raised the corners of my lips: a smile.

But why was I just standing there, smiling like someone who didn't speak the same language as she did?

Because…

Because she would feel it.

And I knew she would feel it.

Even if I couldn't.

"I wasn't upset." I whispered. "I wasn't sad or angry either. That's just it." I paused, and then said: "I felt _nothing_. And that's…well, that's just it I guess. It wasn't what I was feeling; it was what I _wasn't _feeling. I would have taken sadness or anger or anything else, really. I would take those feelings and I would have been happy. Because that feeling…that feeling of _not _feeling…well, that's the worst feeling of all."

I finished and expected…well, I expected _something_.

But Finn just sat there and nodded.

Then, he raised the corners of his lips.

A smile.


	9. Talking

Finally, his lips parted, making the smile move. "Go on," He said.

Go on?

Go on…_how_?

_Why_?

Why would he want me to do that to him, to throw him into the frame of mind that I was in that summer?

Why would he want that?

"Rach," He whispered. "Talk to me."

_No_

Is what I wanted to say.

"O-okay…"

Is what I did say.

Why on God's green Earth did I say that?

Why can't I say no to him?

"I…I…" I stammered, trying to say _something_ because I just couldn't say that one little word.

_No, no! Say no! _I thought, but my mouth just wouldn't agree for some strange reason.

And as I was musing over what to say,

Finn must have gotten impatient.

"I…I don't understand, Rach." He whispered. "I…I t-told you I loved you…don't-don't you…care?"

Don't I_ care_?

How dare he say something like that! _Of course _I care! I care so much, I just…

…I can't express it.

I just…_can't_.

"I care." I finally whispered. "I care. I care so much, Finn. Please don't think that I don't care. I…I need you."

"Then Rachel, _please_, talk to me!"

"Okay," I said.

And this time, I didn't mean _no_. I meant _okay_.

"I just…I don't know, Finn. I just don't know anymore. But please don't think that I don't care. I care _so _much…it's just…" I paused, fumbling for words. "I'm not me, Finn. I don't know why. I'm just…different. Changed. And…and the fact that _you _care, th-that helped me! But…I don't know. I'm not me. I'm different inside. And it's not that I'm sad, or upset or angry at anyone or at the world or any teenage drama stage…I'm just not me anymore. I don't _feel_ any of those things...It's this...this hollow nothing-feeling all the time...it's like...like I'm…I'm cold now. I'm cold and…I'm a wreck, Finn. I want to say things and do things…but I just…can't. Like right now, I want to just run into your arms and let you fix me…but I just…can't. And everything that happened with Shelby and Jesse and all that…I don't know. After that…that's when I really...when I really started not to feel. I-I think I...I just turned myself off somehow. And I tried to just ignore it, and pretend it wasn't happening…but then it just got worse, Finn. And now-"

"Rach, tell me the truth." He paused, so I rambled:

"But I _am_-"

"-No, Rachel, tell me honesty now, okay? Did you jump? Did you…did you try to-"

"No." I finally said that little word that I couldn't say before. "No, Finn." I said it again. "I-I…I almost did, yes, but…no I was walking away, and…and I was going to try, Finn. I _wanted_ to tell someone, to get help, but…I just _couldn't_."

"Okay," Finn said in a sigh. "Rachel, thank you for talking to me. Thank you. Now…now I'm gonna help you, okay? I'm gonna get you better. I'm gonna get you help, and get you fixed, and get you back to being you. Okay?"

"Okay."


	10. Help

_Help_.

It's not easy.

_Help _is a word you scream when you're in trouble, when you need someone…

…when you're drowning.

And this whole time, I was drowning.

Not just drowning, physically, like I was before,

But drowning,

In myself.

Depression.

Sadness. Gloom. Melancholy…

_Depression_.

That's what I had, you know. All though I kind of knew that all along, I just didn't want to name it.

Because…because if you name something, it becomes real.

_Real_.

This was real, no matter how badly I wanted it to be just a dream that I can wake up from.

You know what? All those words I named before, all those words that the therapist used to describe the condition I was in…

They are all the opposite…

Of _Glee_.

Things I learned in therapy

1. Mental depression is hard to cure without help

_Help._

I couldn't scream for it. I couldn't scream for it, I couldn't look for it, I couldn't find it.

So, someone did for me.

And I owe that person my life.

2. People living with depression can sometimes feel cut off from the world around them

Well, that's true.

I was cut off from the world.

I was in the dark.

Everything around me,

Was black. Dark. Shadowed.

And I can only think of one person,

Who always had a light,

When it was just all so dark.

3. It's not your fault.

No.

No, it's never your fault.

Things I learned in therapy that I will never tell Finn

1. Without you, I'd be a goner.

And I would too.

I would have drowned.

In the water,

And in myself.

2. You stuck by me, even when I could barley stick by you.

You were my support,

My balance.

My voice.

3. I love you, too.

"Rachel?" He called my name, making me look up. Oh yeah, forgot to tell you, Finn and I did something…bad today. We snuck into a Vocal Adrenaline practice. Just to spy. Well, at first it was just to spy…but then I had a better idea. They were all done now, anyway, so we'd have to leave soon.

"I'm not so sure about this anymore, Finn. Maybe we should just go home."

"No way!" Finn shook his head. "This is what you came here for! Plus, it'll help you."

Well, okay…if it'll help.

Shelby was in the back of the room, focusing on texting whoever's in her contacts. Then she picked up her phone, and called whoever it was she was texting. She fumbled around in her purse, looking for her keys so she could lock the place up and go home. She didn't notice us.

"_Go_!" Finn whispered.

So…I did.

"No, like I said I-" I must have interrupted Shelby's phone call, because when she saw me walking towards her, she said into the phone: "I'll have to call you back," and hung up quickly. "Rachel," She breathed. "I…I heard about what happened, and I was going to call, but-"

And then, I did it.

I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her.

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you, too, honey."


	11. Back

**Hi people! Yes I know, I've been missing in action, but I was on vacation, with no laptop! :) And yes, this chapter is kind of long-ish for this story! Well, I just figured I'd kept you waiting long enough. So…here you go... **

"C'mon, Rachel, you can do this. You _know _you can do this! _I _know you can do this! What's the hold up?"

"My foot's asleep."

"Well," Finn squeezed my hand. "Then you have to walk on it!"

"But if I walk on it, then it hurts even more." After I said this, he just looked at me for one beat…two beats…three…

Suddenly, a smile appeared on his face.

That smile that I know I love so much.

"I know it hurts now, but it'll get better if you do something about it." He leaned in closer and then whispered: "Trust me."

_Trust me_.

Then in that one second,

He leaned in even closer,

And kissed me.

"_Now _are you ready?"

"My foot's still asleep."

Another kiss.

"How 'bout now?"

"My foot's still asleep."

One more kiss.

"That one was for luck," he whispered. "Now I'm not giving you a choice! You're going in there if I have to drag you by your heels!"

"But my foot's-"

"-Still asleep?"

"Yes."

"Rachel," He murmured, as if breathing in my name. "You _can _do this! I believe in you!"

_I believe in you_.

"Okay," I closed my eyes for a second, and let out a breath that I didn't even know I'd been holding in. I guess my head was still spinning from the kisses. "You go first."

He squeezed my hand again,

And opened the door.

The room looked the same as it had before. Before this, before everything, before I was drowning.

It was still the same choir room.

Still the same Brad at the piano.

Still the same band in the background.

Still the same everything.

But…

There were...

Different people.

Not different people as in, strangers, different people as in…

They all just…looked different.

Now they looked…

Relieved… Happy… Thankful…

_Gleeful_.

No one moved. No one dared to move. Everyone just…looked at me.

Usually, I'd be happy about this.

But not today…and not these looks…

Finally, someone moved. It was Quinn. She got up from where she sat and walked over to us, breaking the dead silence. Her heels clicked on the floor as she walked, and though the sound was barley noticeable anywhere else in the world, it was painfully loud and obvious here. She just looked at me, looking almost the same as she had when she saw us when we walked in; but now…now she looked like she wanted to say something. She wanted to, but could not find the words.

Then, something…well, something totally shocking happened.

She _hugged _me.

"Welcome back," She whispered in my ear. After the almost painfully long, yet somehow touching hug was over, she turned to Finn.

"Good job, Finn," She said, now smiled. "You got her back."

And somehow…

I just felt so…

Happy.

I felt so happy that for some reason I felt like it was a bad thing, like I was doing something wrong or something.

And…

And then I wanted to cry.

But…

I know it hurts now, but it'll get better if I do something about it.

Trust me.

Believe in me.

_Love_ me.

Then, something even weirder happened.

The whole room broke out into applause.

They were…clapping…for…me…

And…and it felt _good_.

"Welcome back, Rachel," Mr. Shu whispered to me. "Welcome back."


	12. Lesson

**Here is the last chapter of his little fic. So, this is dedicated to all the people here who read/reviewed/added this fic to anything. Thank you so, so much you guys. You are totally awesome!**

I have a firm belief.

Yes, a firm belief to which I absolutely need to stick by.

Why, you might ask?

Because…I need it.

I need it for my sanity,

For my reason,

For myself.

What it is?

My belief is as followed:

Even when everything, and, yes, I mean _everything _is dark,

Some things can pull you out of the dark,

Some things…

Some things can bring you into the light.

But these things…

Can be nearly…invisible, sometimes.

Yes, they can be hard to see,

And hard to find.

They can seem unfaithful at first,

They can seem imperceptible, at first.

But once you _can _see them,

Once you know them,

Once you _love _them,

They can pull you out of the dark,

And into the light.

Because, sometimes,

Love is really all you need to carry on,

And get out of the dark.

Today was possibly the best day of my life. Not because I'd gotten any solos in Glee club today, not because of anything that happened between Finn and I, not because of anything other than what had happened: a simple day. Exactly. A simple day when nothing happened. And this…this is…good. Yeah, yeah, it's good. It's good because for just this once, I could settle into the crowd and not be the center of attention. Usually that'd make me crazy, but today it was good. It was good because…because today, I could just focus on being…normal. A normal, non-troubled person in the crowd. That was me…at least for today. By tomorrow…who knows? Maybe I'll be _leading _that crowd.

Suddenly, my cell phone rang with my prized ring tone, _Defying Gravity _from the seminal Broadway classic _Wicked_. Finn's picture appeared on the screen, along with his phone number. I smiled slightly, and quickly picked it up.

"Hi, Finn," My grin got bigger.

"Rach!" Finn sounded excited. "Turn on Channel Seven!"

"But…that's Sue's Corner. We never watch Sue's Corner!"

"Just turn it on!" Finn replied quickly. "Seriously! You've gotta see this!"

"Well…okay…" I said as I flicked the TV on, and turned it to Channel Seven just as Finn had said. Sure enough, Sue Sylvester was blabbing on and on, as her words appeared on the screen beside her.

She looked…different.

Not totally different…but, different none the less.

She looked serious, but…not her usual scary serious,

She looked…serious as if…as if she really, really cared about what she was talking about.

"And remember, Ohio, I honestly believe in my heart what I have been telling you. And that's how Sue _C_s it! " Wait, _what_? She _what_? Why hadn't I turned this on earlier? Why had I missed it?

Whatever. I guess I could always look it up on _YouTube_ if I really want to see it. I have a Spanish test tomorrow, so I guess I'd better get some sleep tonight.

"Rach, did you see Sue's Corner last night? Did ya' see it like I said?" Finn caught up with my in the hallway as we rushed to Spanish that morning.

"No, I just missed it. Why is it so important that I see it anyway?"

"Rach, you just-"

Finn stopped talking as someone walked by. But…not a student. It was Sue Sylvester.

"Did you two mouth-breathers happen to catch my Sue's Corner last night?" She asked us.

"I saw it!" Finn piped up. "It was…different for you, Coach Sylvester. In a…nice way." Sue didn't say anything else, just nodded primly.

"Come with me," She finally whispered, nodded at me. So, I followed.

I'd never been in Coach Sylvester's office before, but Quinn had about five gazillion times. A laptop was set up on her red desk. She nodded for me to sit down. She pressed a bunch of buttons and then her latest Sue's Corner started to play. Sue said nothing, just walked out of the office like nothing had happened.

Again, the episode started playing: it was Sue standing there, as her words began to appear next to her:

"Hello Ohio, this is Sue Sylvester, as always. Today, I'd like to talk about something…something rather serious. Yes, Ohio, _serious_. The subject of today is: _teenagers_. Yes, Ohio, _teenagers_. They are much more complex, more delicate then you think. You just tend to blow them off, Ohio. Why, though? They're in fragile times in they're lives! As an educator, I can say that some teenagers…some are positively _crying out for help_. But here's the question, _are you listening_? And remember, Ohio, I honestly believe in my heart what I have been telling you. And that's how Sue _C_s it!"

There are some things that I firmly believe.

One of them…one of them is that in everything…in _everything_,

There is a lesson.

So now, I turn to you and ask,

What is

The lesson

In this?

_**The End**_


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